CHAPTER THREE

Ikuya stood in front of Julia’s studio flat. He wasn’t even sure if she lived here, or if it was just her business address. He just wanted to see her. There was something warm, and inviting in her beautiful eyes. His gut instincts warned him to run. If he allowed himself to follow up on is immediate attraction to Julia, there would be no turning back and the predictable would happen. He would end up having sex with her; she would think it meant they had a future together and then he would end up breaking her heart like all the others. If she was wise she would see him for what he was, “a dead man walking” and not answer the door.

Many women had tried to “fix” him but how can someone fix what is no longer there. When his wife died, she took his heart with her and left nothing but this shell of a man that used sex to fulfill the damned hollowness inside him. At least for those few satisfying moments between the smooth thighs of a woman buried to the hilt he could forget he was once foolishly happy.

Julia Payne seemed to be a nice woman. He had his assistant to research all the information he could find on her. She was well known for giving back to the community, her photo prints had been hailed from New York to Japan and Paris. All in all she appeared to be a commercial success and every artist or model that had his picture taken by her seemed to have a beamingly successful career. New York Times touted her as “Julia Payne, the woman with the eye for beauty. Through her eyes we saw hope where we thought there were none.” That is what the media stated about her after she presented a gallery showing of pictures she had shot of people and the area after the 9-11 attack. All the proceeds she accumulated from the showing and photograph sales went into the Victims Fund.

Ikuya had read nothing but good things about her, and he was curious as to what made her so driven to help others? Maybe she could recommend some charitable organization that he could assure would benefit from his death. He had plenty of money to go around. As a result, much so he spent it recklessly. What else was it good for as far as he was concerned. He thought growing up on the poor side of Tokyo with a father deep in debt due to his ailing mother‘s medical expenses, that money would solve everything that was wrong in his world.

He carried that belief up until the Fates decided to prove him wrong. While his gentle hearted Mako was laying in the hospital with the best healthcare money could buy he realized even with all his money he was as helpless to help his wife, as he was when his father committed suicide in front of his very eyes, by stepping off in front of a subway train.

Ikuya released a loud tired sigh.  He hadn‘t been to sleep, that was nothing new.  To sleep was to dream, and to dream was to dream he was with his wife once again only to find out it was a lie, a fantasy of his own desire to see her once more.

“This is a mistake,” he murmured. Rotating on his heels he took one, then two steps down before he heard his name.

“Ikuya Yamane?  What in the world are you doing standing out here on my stoop in the snow looking like a drowned puppy?”

Every nerve in his body froze instantly. The way she called him by his given name with such comforting familiarity, made him feel as if his decision to come here had been the right thing to do. Instinctively he knew she wouldn’t be upset or put out by him showing up unshaven in the same tuxedo he'd worn the night before minus the tie, at 6:00AM on her doorstep.

Turning he took in her lovely disheveled appearance.  Ikuya swallowed hard his body tensed.  He stared at the woman whose warm, compassionate eyes and face had haunted him since he watched her leave the benefit.  She gazed into his eyes, and a hard knot of apprehension formed in the pit of his stomach, 

Julia was not a classical beauty.  Her features weren’t delicate.  Her big eyes a gentle, sable brown, her full mouth a shade darker then her mocha colored skin, her round cheeks flushed with the glow of sleep, he could still see the line marks left by the material of her pillow.

He also noted that one side of her naturally worn chin length hairstyle was matted on one side; it was most likely the side she preferred to sleep on.  He liked the fact that at seeing him it wasn’t her first instinct to reach up and touch her hair or face and worry over her appearance.  It expressed to him that she was comfortable in her own skin and expected others to take it or leave it. 

He was reminded as to why she caught his attention at the banquet.  She was an uplifting beauty in a hall filled with artifice, pomp and fanfare.  She was also the only Black woman in attendance.  That alone made her a diamond in the rough amongst the over decorated artificial rubies.  Julia had stuck out like a sore thumb dressed in the fashion of last season with a bulky camera hanging about her neck.  

Ikuya found her acceptance of herself sexy and attractive.  In his circle women intended to overdo the makeup and expensive garbs.  The one way to capture a man’s attention when you don’t have the media savvy commercial features is to exude confidence.  At this moment he found Julia Payne very sexy.

She had a solid curvaceous frame with shapely brown legs that was currently on display for his survey. The baby blue silk camisole top with big pink flowers, matching flannel boxer-briefs were exposed beneath an opened blue terrycloth bath robe.  While she was bending to pick up the news paper he’d gotten a quick peek of full natural breasts with very dark nipples hardened to firm peaks from the cold morning air.

His hand dropped and brushed discreetly over his hardening penis to camouflage the telling signs of his immediate attraction to her urban appeal.  He forced his gaze away from her curvy body, hoping it would make him feel less of an idiot for being here in the first place.  He didn’t need to add ogling to his improper behavior.

“This is a surprise. You haven’t been home yet?  Do you want to come in out of the cold” she asked tugging the robe close and tying the sash at her thick waist while she held the newspaper under her arm. “Hey, you’re not looking too good. Are you all right?”

“I can’t sleep.” He confessed.  “You really shouldn’t invite strange men into your home.”

She grinned showing startling white teeth in a lovely smile. “Are you strange?”

“Some say, I’m very strange.”

“Ah, well I think you might be more “moody” than strange. Besides, I didn’t take pictures abroad of war zones years ago without knowing a little about taking care of myself.”

He shifted under her accessing stare.

“So you want to come in out of the cold or what? You don’t even have on a coat! What do you have a death wish?”

She was teasing him, but she would be surprised at how close she was to the truth. His lack of caring whether he lived or died made him more reckless than he would have dared to be years ago. He never missed a performance, but now his as she said “moodiness” had warranted him the title “Eccentric Maestro”.

“I hardly feel the cold.  I was hoping to tire myself out with a walk so that I might return to my hotel and sleep.   I touched your card still in my pocket and the next thing I knew I was here on your doorstep.”

“You’re fortune I live where I work or I would have found an Asian Popsicle on my stoop by the time I got here.”  She chuckled.  “You’re probability hyper from the performance. I used to be like that back when I was working as a photographer for the New York Times. Finally I had to give up all the excitement and take on more boring contracts such as commercial, fashion. “The only war zone I do now is visiting the inner city to get shots for my gallery photos…” her voice trailed off. She gave him a close lip smile and a shook her head. “You really don’t want to hear this do you?”

“It’s okay.” A half grin came to his face. He released a deep tired sigh shoving his clenched fist into his trouser pockets. “And I wish it was my job that kept me from going to sleep. To tell you the truth, I‘ve had trouble sleeping for some time now.”

“That’s not healthy.  It‘s puts a strain on your heart.”  A concern frown took away her smile.

“You can’t harm what is already broken.”

“I’m sorry,” Julia murmured.  “But I feel as long as a heart is beating, there’s hope.”

“I have hopes,” a grim grin came to his lips.  “I have hopes that death will come for me sooner than later.”

She gasped in shock.

Ikuya eyes took in her startled face, and he realized he had spoken his thoughts aloud. He was staggered from the realization he had confided such a thing to a woman he just met. “I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t be here. You don’t know me from Adam and for me to invade your space without calling first at this early morning is--”

“I know you may think I’m feeding you a line of bull when I say this, but since I stared at you through my camera lens during your performance, I’ve felt this strange acquaintance with you.” She interrupted.   Lightly shrugging her round shoulders, she added in a softer tone, “I don’t know why.  It could be because you are a well-known public figure.  All I know is…I felt stupidly happy to open my door and find you standing here.”  

Ikuya mirrored the perplexity he heard in her voice and saw on Julia’s face.  His elongated eyes nearly closed as they narrowed on her face.  What was it about her? What about this woman kept him from accepting the offer for a pleasurable warm bed of one of his regulars just too broodingly walk aimlessly around in the damp coldness thinking about her.

Why had he felt driven to seek her out?  The urge was real enough that it drove him to seek her out.  He hadn’t thought enough in advance to figure out what he was going to do once he arrived on her stoop.   Ikuya decided he could start by being as honest with her as she had been with him.

“I’m as confused as you are, but I feel it too, Julia.” He confessed. “It’s crazy, don‘t you think?” A car horn blared behind him causing him to glance over his shoulder. It probably was someone that recognized him, and if they had a camera phone he was sure he and Julia would be the news buzz for this evening’s or tomorrow’s gossip columns headline. The only difference is they would make things more sordid than it was.

The media could always make something very innocent into a sordid tale of sex and scandal.  Ikuya was use to it and admittedly some of the headlines had been well deserved. He was known for being a generous lover, but a horrible boyfriend. 

He blamed the women.  He made it clear from the beginning that his intentions wasn’t to have anything serious and that he never had a relationship that lasted any longer than a year.  That didn’t stop them from thinking they would be the one to change him.   He found it to be a childish and foolish way of thinking and a sure way of not making it to the year mark. 

The more a woman spoke of the future, even if it was something as simple as attending a function with him that may be months away, he’d break things off. His future was too bleak to see anything further than the next day.

Shaking himself from his deep ponderings, Takuya realized Julia was speaking to him.  “Pardon?”  His dark thick eyebrows lifted in question.

“I said that I don’t think it’s crazy at all,” she answered.

He nodded tugging at his jacket collar to block the wind from his chaffing face.

  “Hey, why don’t we go inside and get warm? I can make some hot toddies or chamomile tea.  I would offer you coffee, but I don’t have any decaffeinated and you definitely don't need the heavy stuff.  You need to get some rest. Chamomile tea usually helps me.”

She gave him a welcoming smile; a smile that can cause a man’s airway to catch in the back of his throat.   He peeled his eyes away from her face before he gave into the uncharacteristic urge to kiss her.

“I doubt tea or toddies will help me to sleep,” he murmured. “Nothing helps, but prescribed medication, and I prefer to avoid them because it affects my timing during rehearsals.  I’ve taken up walking until I’m exhausted, the only thing is getting back home without passing out seems to be a problem when you can’t find a taxi on duty at 4 AM.”

“You still miss your wife very much, don’t you?”  Julia reached out and touched his arm.

His head snapped back as if she had hit him. He was surprised. Only his friends knew that he continuously struggled with his loss even after three years. Actually, it had been longer if you count the duration in the hospital on life support.

“How did you--”

“I wasn’t sure, I just know from experience once you’ve shared your bed with someone it’s difficult to adjust to sleeping alone again.” 

Her warm brown eyes dropped to his feet for a moment before returning to gaze into his face. 

“You’ve been married?”

“No, but I was engaged.  We decided to move in together so that we could save up for our wedding and a new home.  We wanted lots of rooms so that we could start working on our family soon afterwards.”

“It’s not the same as being married and losing the person you love more than life.  Your engagement fell through obviously, so it’s easier when you mutually agree to let go of each other.”

When Ikuya saw her brow pucker in a frown, he realized he most likely had said too much too bluntly.  His lips compressed tightly as he mentally chastised himself.

“Ikuya, I have read your autobiography and if it is true, then I know that you and your wife, Mako had a fairytale romance. I remember how much I envied your happiness at the time I was reading it.”

“Maybe that explains why you feel as if you already know me.” Ikuya injected, his lips pursed in reflection.

“Yet, it doesn't explain why you feel as if you know me also.” She pointed out.

“True.”

“Did you come here because you’re interested in me in particular, or are you just passing through and decided to stop in this morning for lack of anything better to do?”

“Julia, I don’t only miss my wife, I still love her.”  His voice was deep with emotions.  It was easier to say the words he had said many times before to other women, then to seriously access her question and answer it. 

He stared at her, and wondered how she could look so blazingly different from Mako, yet she managed to arouse a similar emotional connection he had when he first met his wife years before.  How was it possible that such a thing could happen to him twice in a lifetime?

“I didn’t question your love for your wife.  I already know you love her and I’m sure you always will. What I want to know is if you came here this morning because you wanted to be with me?  Have you been thinking about me as much as I’ve been thinking about you since we were introduced last night?”

She moved her hand from his arm and caressed the stressed the wet strands of hair that clung to his cheek behind his ear while allowing her fingers to linger and caresses the indenture at the back of his lobe.  It was something that Mako would do all the time.

“Don’t.”  He said a bit more gruffly than he intended flinching from her touch.  She dropped her hand to her side.  “Julia, how can I answer you when I don’t even understand why I came here?”

“Do you truly believe you are the only one that continues to suffer a great loss?” She responded sharply. “Do you think you’re the only one in this world that has known the pain of finding a great love only to lose it?”

“I’m sure I haven't, but even you admitted I had a love to be envied.  Therefore you can’t possibly begin to compare whatever happened to break up you and your fiancé to what I’ve lost!”

“And you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” Julia spoke calmly enough, but he could see by the steady tapping of the newspaper against the side of her leg he had agitated her.

“Let’s say we drop the subject,” he suggested. “I’ll let you get back to enjoying your Sunday morning.”  He saw her dark brown eyes sparkling with unshed tears. “Julia---”

“It wasn’t just some silly lover’s spat that ended my dreams.  I lost my fiancé after the 9-11 attacks. He was a firefighter.  So I know pain also and I dare you tell me I don’t know what you’re going through.”  She sniffled and wiping her face with the back of her hand.  “No one can ever take their love from us, but I do believe we aren’t put in this world to love only one person!  I also don’t think neither one of them would want us to wallow in self pity spending our lives being unproductive.  He gave up his life trying to save others, so I will not shame his memory by not living for the both of us.”

“I’m sorry, Julia, I didn’t know.”

“How could you? Ikuya, I told you this because I want you to know I do understand your pain. The loneliness still gets to me from time to time.”  He heard her release a long sigh of frustration.   

“I think I should be going,” he heard himself saying. He didn’t want to go. He just knew it would be the wisest thing to do because he would end up hurting her, like the countless others that came after his wife’s death.  She had been through enough and he couldn’t add to her pain. 

“Yeah, I guess you should.  I have your card.  I will call you when the pictures are ready,” she said coldly. 

Not knowing what to say he watched in numb silence as she walked back inside and shut the door behind her.